1 John 1:9
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
What a promise! What a comfort to know that our sins are forgiven when we confess them. There are so many sins in my life that sometimes I don't even know where to begin confession. Lately however I have realized the "root" of my sin, the heart of my unrighteousness. Are you ready for my bold confession? (I'm not sure it's prudent for a ministers wife to make confessions on a public blog, but since when have I ever been prudent?)
I am a very selfish person.
This is my confession. This is my sin, my nature, my being. It's been "about me" for so long, I hardly remember living a selfless life. At one time I was living a life focused on His will and His desire for me. This past Mothers Day someone mentioned from the pulpit how Mothers are a true reflection of Christ because of their selflessness. I was a bit choked up, because I could not apply that statement to myself. It hit home a little bit more as we were leaving Church. My 4 1/2 year old was an emotional wreck and was throwing a fit, which made my 3 year old start to cry, which in turn made the baby mad as I strapped him in his car seat. A friend walked past as I was wrestling the three of them in the car with the diaper bag, "church back pack", my purse, the stroller and our bible class crafts, and I rolled my eyes as I said "Happy Mother's Day!" Comical, yes. But in reality it was telling. In that moment it was "all about me".
Since this revelation (and confession to a true friend in the Lord) I have decided to work on this deep rooted character flaw. I have been stealing time from God each day by not being in the Word or in prayer like I should be. I've been "too busy" for quiet time. (once again focusing on myself and the things that I needed to get done each day). I've resolved to take the first 30 minutes of nap time (or book rest as it pertains to the older two) to read the Bible and pray. To give this time back to God, to "redeem" the moment, as it were. To put Him in His rightful place and give Him the honor and glory He is do by taking a moment to meditatively worship Him.
It's a start. I am also trying to view my children in a different light. This one is a bit harder to do. I'm in a situation where there are "high demands, & low control". (A quote from a recent MOPS speaker.) However realizing that I have high demands on my time, my patience, my energy and my brain and low control over circumstances, children's moods, tears and fits makes me realize that I need to release any pre-conceived ideas of what "my perfect day" would look like and go more for what God has in store for me today. I need to put others before myself in the day to day, my children's needs emotionally, physically and spiritually.
:::This being said I just heard the girls alarm for book rest going off and I go in their room to turn it off, they are both sleeping like little angels. Not what I had planed since Noraa won't go to sleep until 10pm now, but I relish in the fact that they are resting peacefully.:::
My time of quiet is coming to a close so I end the confession with my resolve, my promise to you. I will try. Knowing the power rests not in me, but in His faithfulness to "purify me from all unrighteousness". I covet your prayers and ask that you walk beside me in this effort to be more like our Selfless Lord and Savior!